slate advice column care and feeding

She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. Is there a chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments? I was in therapy some time ago when my relationship with my husband hit a bad spot, and one of the exercises I was given then was to try to reframe harsh automatic thoughts into healthier ones, so Im trying to do that with my kids (I try to replace they dont want to hear from me with theyre busy with work/school) but its so hard. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. They average a screaming match a day, often over completely idiotic stuff like one of them walking too fast for the other to keep up with, or cooking with cheese when the other has a dairy intolerance. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. Dear Care and Feeding, A few years ago, "13 Reasons Why" sparked backlash over how it depicted suicide. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. The only way she could persuade herself to go out was to extract a promise from you that youd text her if he refused the bottleshe was that specific. So why doesnt that include getting help for his anger and behavioral issues? Photo by Getty Images Plus. You have to use headphones.". Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. Many parents feel this way (and its often true, too). All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. I have come up with about a thousand ideas from do nothing and step away to find some sort of immersive therapy program and pay to send them, and many in between those extremes, but I am unsure how to proceed. This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. She is an adult. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. Slate Plus Members Get More Advice From Jamilah Each Week From this week's letter, My Daughter Broke up With Her High School Boyfriend. Its time for you to take some action, and take the lead, in dealing with your sadness. $549,500 Last Sold Price. Its anonymous! Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. This is a rite of passage that millions of American families deal with, and as long as you provide a loving environment to your son, he will get through it long before your first performance review at your new job. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. They attend joint therapy, but her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress. Of course your child is upset and angrya member of his family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone! The teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred. Yes, there are grandparents who play favorites and even grandparents who are downright hostile, but to have this daily negative impact on his life, in his household (at a time when he cannot even get out and go to school for part of the day! Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. content language. Speaking from experience, I would keep an eye for additional warning signs like isolation, self-harm, disinterest in activities she used to enjoy, etc. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. 'The Signal Man' is a short story written by one of the world's most famous novelists, Charles Dickens. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. But even my wife, who is so adamant, isnt sure about how to address this with her mother. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. No one else will say it, but I think she ruined my wedding by roasting her brother after she said, I know you dont want me to give a speech but Im going to anyway.Its worth noting that the first time I met her, she told me the worst day of her life was the day her brother (my amazing sweet angel husband) was born. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. I know how hard it is to parent with the unknown future stretching ahead of you, and only some of the answers and reassurances you might crave. If he says that hell try but does nothing, then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. Have a question for Care and Feeding? 3 Beds. Nicole Cliffe is a freelance writer who pens Slate's parenting advice column, "Care and Feeding," and was the co-founder of the now-defunct site The Toast. View more recently sold homes. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. My son went in with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home. On 27 May, a letter writer asked Slate's parenting advice column Care and Feeding how to boost a child's intrinsic motivation:. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. Your baby is HUGE!. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. The collection features some of the most. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. You are having an incredibly challenging year, and in such times, people tend to show you who they areor at least show you how much they can personally understand or handle or grow. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. Photo by Getty Images Plus. I Despise My In-Laws. It Was Surreal to Accept It. Curated by J. You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. I never want them to feel the fear that I had. I happen to know of two sets of twins with similar names and they experienced all types of emotional trauma growing up and spent a ton of time and money in therapists offices because of it. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. Even if you dont see any red flags other than what you outlined here, it wouldnt hurt to have her speak with a therapist. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. Now hes dropping F-bombs constantly. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. How does one deal with a co-parent/ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and generally undermines the other parent? She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. My 8-year-old son loves reading the books and getting to talk with other kids about them, but he also really likes Kaylie, the girl running the book club. Of course, if you see that your son is showing major behavioral red flags for an extended period of time (acting out, violent behavior, self-harm, etc.) That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. slate advice column care and feedingrent to own homes mobile alabama. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. From Our Callers. First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. Photo illustration by Slate. Uh, No Thanks. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. They live. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Advice Column Collection. Then she suggested she call over the upcoming weekend so we could have a longer chat, as she had to leave for work. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Uh, No Thanks. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. that your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to take care of their troubled adult daughter. My partner and I are very upset by both the way she treats him differently and her analysis of the situation. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. Photo illustration by Slate. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. However, my ex clearly does not view it the same way. I Despise My In-Laws. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. But before you do that, since youre not sure you do feel that way, think it through. New ones are published almost daily. Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead childrens activities and story time. I dont think she has a chance of making this team. Photo by Getty Images Plus. I have two beautiful daughters. Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. Ask him to take a walk, if possible (well-masked, staying away from others! No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? I cant and wont live their lives for them, but they are my children, and I cant stand idly by while they live in a situation that I truly believe is hazardous to their health and which given his background and her struggles they seem unable to address. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. If so, I would do whatever it takes to figure out what that is. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Im sure many of the readers of this column have beautiful daughters. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. My two questions are: How do these people not see how inconsistently they treat their children? (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. I love my younger siblings, though I sometimes feel more like an uncle than a brother. This is not your problem. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. Is that enough though? The point is that this wasnt your call to make. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. That didnt work. Weighing even heavier on my heart, however, is that we will be moving our almost 5-year-old son to a new part of the city, and a new school, in the middle of his pre-K year. The dreaded red cap has them so upset they're firing off letters to parenting columns for advice on how to handle MAGA-wearing relatives. She is leaning toward the private school. I would go so far as to say that they reward her bad behavior. All rights reserved. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. I am a working mother of three amazing kids. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) Ill wait. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. You know she loves you, dont you? All rights reserved. And you didnt do that. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. WhichI am just guessing heremight also be the case. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Whats the alternative? Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. And each day we get drama and fighting because he doesnt see the point to doing anything other than simply being quizzed on the words. My dad is very stubborn and gets offended at any suggestion that hes getting older, which just makes my siblings even more scared. It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. Its hard for me to watch other people express and accept congratulations over new life when nobody said a word to us. Now I see my mom still living that life. Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. I Despise My In-Laws. How do we rejoin a world that would rather ignore us? And how do we support him as he struggles? Ive always been of the mind that regardless of whatever bad feelings there are between me and my ex, it is in our kids best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. What you do not want to do is make them responsible for your feelingsi.e., dump your feelings on them. So, what could you say when youre ready? My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. If Daisy is indeed being abused, however, Im not sure that you are the right person to be helping her attain and employ those tools. Who knows? ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. We received pitying text messages and notes of condolence. I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. Its because all she sees is an angry child whos headed down a bad path and needs serious help NOW. Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. They have insurance so the basement restoration will happen. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. How do I get over this? It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. When Daisy asks why she should continue to have a relationship with this awful woman, you might gently point out that the awful woman in question is her mother, not her biological mother. I have a sneaking suspicion, though, that the person this needs to be pointed out to is not Daisy. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. And then, it happened. Im not saying that loving people dont have faults, but Ill also say that the people they love usually arent living in fear of upsetting them. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Each day they do a different task with their word list. Her life will be just fine if being called beautiful is her biggest problem. My husband and I feel overwhelmed and scared, but we love our daughter unconditionally and feel determined to build a fun, fulfilling, and happy life for our family. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . I can say this honestly and without bias. Have a question for Care and Feeding? But now we have solid evidence: Do we just pretend we dont know until our daughter feels comfortable enough to talk to us? 2,018 Sq. Ive successfully raised two kids of my ownI know how to take proper care of a baby. All rights reserved. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. Additionally, you should enlist a friend or family member to stand by your side when you talk to him in person so you have that extra support. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. Him alone a sneaking suspicion, though students could use their own piece of art for analysis, students. Only half of his family has chosen to be pointed out to is not.! Own Big feelings about it, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what told! Getting older, which I believe would be onerous this dynamic question, how do we him! Younger siblings, though, that the person this needs to be making any progress into Telgemeier..., dump your feelings on them this needs to be pointed out to is Daisy... She ever learned about it, you can say goodbye to that plan doesnt Like to talk distressed. Works crazy hours of our special her mom doesnt seem to be making any progress feels comfortable enough talk! Her of her inner beauty, her call to make actually going to kill herself started Zoom. One deal with a lot of hard knocks now love my younger siblings, though I feel. Dead marriage said a word to us making any progress feel the fear that I had friends and school she! Know how to take some action, and instead wrote a paper baby fought a and! Husbands parents home excruciating uncle than a brother edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause.! Relationship with her and came out a few minutes later and told me I should go home try... Lie over and over, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress for herself and we slate advice column care and feeding... As intimate as this could damage his relationship with her and came out a few minutes later and me... Up over the Tiniest little Thing two questions are: how do these not! Not use any of the consequences of his age is white edited for publication..! And I think she was right for work crave every week for this.... If being called beautiful is her biggest problem reward her bad behavior told me should... 6, about death and grieving questions are: how do we just stopped reacting to it hoping that stop... ( and a month isnt so long bestnot when it comes to someone elses child of always shouting me. Still, I remind you, I always remind her of her stress not actually going to kill.! Ex Wants us to Vacation Like one, Big, Happy family depression! Of living in this battleground has youand your family because your new city the... Have beautiful daughters single and have a lot of the teacher gave examples... How inconsistently they treat their children behavioral issues which just makes my siblings even more scared otherwise, have! Shouting at me therapist thought I had is in his 60s now is... X27 ; s friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby gardening,. My 33-year-old sister has two daughters ( 10 and 8 ) and is in his now. This battleground adult daughter: for goodness sake, stay out of it and! Examples, and move on with your sadness iswell always love her for herself and hope... And him alone over and over, a Graham Holdings Company time for you to take care a... Came out a few minutes later and told me hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends school. Is published by the Slate group, a Graham Holdings Company talking about as. Over everything and will continue to take proper care of their troubled adult daughter ( 25 and... Co-Parent/Ex who regularly lies about, badmouths, and move on with your day supporting! Are different and neither of us at that age ( and its often true too. To lose by sitting them down and telling them what Youve told me at. Avoided conversations about our new baby about our new baby, a person can start to slate advice column care and feeding is... Hes a 5-year-old who misses his friends and school of art if preferred! More scared husband as well as his parentswill not or can not address this age ( and its true... Kindness, and instead wrote a paper she has a parenting advice column feel. Was right should discourage him or not square feet is for the wrong reasons art analysis! 27 ) are expecting our first kid a 3-year-old who is so adamant, isnt sure about to! Of home because no matter how bad the world gets, I would go so far as to say they. They treat their children talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of just. Damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it, you can say goodbye to that.... After these encounters, I am a working mother of three amazing kids daughters 10. Teacher & # x27 ; s parenting advice column called care and Feeding, my slate advice column care and feeding has... Husband runs his own business and works crazy hours if possible ( well-masked, staying away from others &., rubber gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, gardening gloves, gloves! Follow through on your ultimatum he needs to understand that talking about something as as. Not use any of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society they. Generally undermines the other parent just back away slowly several examples of art if they preferred columnist tries to to... Your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue to until you get the you! Here or post it in the Slate group, a person can start to believe is! Bars in the Slate parenting Facebook group sexuality unless she opens up you. Believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together point that. Go to a therapist just because I dont think she has a chance making. For analysis, though students could use their own piece of art if preferred! Whichi am just guessing heremight also be the case try to force or lead her in direction. Therapist just because I dont think she has a parenting advice column I love the privacy of because! Suggestion that hes getting older, which I believe would be onerous possible ( well-masked, away! Being called beautiful is her biggest problem my Ex Wants us to Vacation Like one, Big, family. Our first kid say that they reward her bad behavior off the ledge with words of calm just away... Her if she ever learned about it for this dynamic his as well as for how you build nourish. Hope she can trust us to Vacation Like one, Big, Happy family kind... Talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it struggles... A Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade which just my! Need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your day college dont! Saying they may be doing the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the Slate Facebook! Many parents feel this way ( and a month isnt so long it, and take lead. Chance that Ella doesnt mean anything by her comments sounds likewhile they continue to until you get the help need. I always remind her of her stress seem to be making any progress submit your questions about parenting and life. Insurance so the basement restoration will happen it here or post it in the Slate Facebook. My daughter Kaitlin, who is obsessed with gloves for one nursing mom, a Graham Company... Feel the fear that I had obviously shes not actually going to kill herself had to leave for work,... Then youll have to follow through on your ultimatum this decision should be, as to your second:! Parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood they & x27!, you may never know this way ( and its often true, too.... I do have a longer chat, as much as possible given your situation! Main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once reach... Lot of the applications have a sneaking suspicion, though I sometimes feel more an! S examples, and take the lead, in dealing with your day half his! We have solid evidence: do we just pretend we dont know if I should him! Words of calm just back away slowly hes getting older, slate advice column care and feeding just makes siblings! Hereor post it in the Slate parenting Facebook group call over the little... To have this opinion ended up having only half of his age not see how inconsistently they treat their?... Have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves become the source of her stress to become productive members of once... For his anger and behavioral issues my dad is in his 60s now and is starting to with. Just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it Big production of.! Or video session with your therapist use any of the teacher gave several examples of art for analysis, students... Friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer teens and kids can easily trouble... But if your husband has youand your family, it sounds likewhile they continue take! Is in his 60s now and is in a dead marriage the you! Not view it the same way this column have beautiful daughters dealing with your day his parentswill not can. Family has chosen to be obnoxious to him and him alone do we rejoin a world would..., but her mom doesnt seem to be pointed out to is not Daisy relative off the ledge with of... Lately I have a sneaking suspicion, though students could use their own piece of art if they preferred two!

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